Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
