People with herpes should wear stickers.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
