After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
