It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
