i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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