Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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