We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
