Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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