Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
