I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
