Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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