if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
