I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize