i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The uberlube is also flammable
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
