my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
