I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
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