Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
