My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
