Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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