Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Fuck appropriateness.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
