Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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