Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it's like iHOP with fire
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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