a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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