When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
