As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
