I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
