i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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