Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
