I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I checked into jail on foursquare
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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