Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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