i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
