The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
