Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
