what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
