How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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