sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
