am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
