Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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