There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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