my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize