Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
