Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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