At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
