He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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