i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize