My liver just broke up with me...
Where is the hickey?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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