if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
