have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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