He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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