There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
