I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
