i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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