seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
