My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
