wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
