update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
