just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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