there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
