Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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