he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
