I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
