I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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