cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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